Tigre. Ayer, Sábado 26 de mayo, el río amaneció así: rojo como de sangre, como se tiñó el agua en la bañera de Hannah en el episodio final de la season 1 de 13 Reasons Why.
Esa misma mañana, yo estaba en mi cama, aterrado, intentando descansar algo, herido de miedo y de amor después de haber terminado la primera temporada de 13 Reasons Why a las 7am, y despertándome a cada rato, empapado en miedo y sudor.
Yo conocía a alguien que se parecía mucho a Hannah Baker.
Alguien que al terminar de ver la serie me llamó (hace un año), muy angustiada.
And I was such an asshole.
And a hurt one, at that.
Nevermind I had reasons to be mad.
I hadn’t seen the series, nor I intended to.
Upon finishing the last episode of season one, the sheer idea that I could have lost her irreparably from this world shattered my soul to its very core.
Más todavía, con nuestro contexto vital actual.
Y cuando digo nuestro, quiero decir en realidad mío, porque de ella se poco y nada.
El nivel de miedo y ansiedad que sentí, no lo había experimentado jamás. And there was nothing reasonable I could do, after writing an email to her (another one she’ll probably never reply), except trying to get at least a few hours of worried-sick sleep.
Este es un mensaje para tod@s. Público, como mis perfiles en las redes sociales, porque si bien no comparto todo lo que pasa en mi vida, no tengo nada que quiera ocultar.
Por el contrario, siento la urgente necesidad de compartir mi experiencia, para que no haya más Hannah Bakers, ni siquiera en la ficción.
Para que los problemas se solucionen en vida, y a tiempo.
Y tengo que empezar por decir que yo soy Hannah Baker, even though I’m not.
Quiero decir que la entendí. Plenamente. Entendí su soledad, su dolor. Su decisión.
I kind of have been there, even though I haven’t done that.
Y soy Clay Jensen, que perdió a su enamorada, a su ideal de amor, enceguecido por el contexto, por ignorancia, y por su propio dolor. Left behind to have to deal with so much pain. Too late to support in life the woman (girl) he loved.
Tambien soy parte Neandertal, como cualquiera puede atestiguar.
And I’ve made mistakes. Big ones.
Being human, I don’t know if there’s any way to be free from them in this world and life.
Y soy su mamá, y su papá, y mi corazón, a veces, como el de Hannah, no puede (¡ni quiere!) dejar de sentir todo lo que pasa a mi alrededor, aunque se trate de dolor.
And these past number of years I’ve felt alone, used, abused, misunderstood, ignored, stepped on, denied, betrayed, left behind. Unloved.
Not just by one, but by many people I used to trust.
And I know it isn’t just me. It’s something that is likely to happen to every one of us in this day and age.
“Cuando me haya ido, cuando ya no esté, quizás ahí finalmente se van a dar cuenta, y entiendan por qué.”
I feel invisible to most, unseen.
Curioso cómo la mente fantasea que desapareciendo del todo, finalmente lo van a ver.
Quizás como un lemming (referencia al videojuego de 1991), sacrificándose a uno mismo al servicio de los demás, en una suerte de wake up call:
“I was here, I reached out, and you didn’t see me. You didn’t want to see me, or you couldn’t. It’s ok. Just don’t do that to others from now on.”
Still, I’m old enough to know another wrong doesn’t make a right.
And to know we all have a responsibility to shine.
To be there for others, as well as for ourselves.
So, from within all the pain I find myself in, I share with you my 13 Reasons to stay:
- I love you. All. I do. And that’s how I know there is still love in the world. Even when I’ve felt unloved, and I still do. Even in the unloving absence of those I need most, I love. So you stay too. Even if you can’t bear the pain, like I sometimes can’t. Don’t add to it. Come near, and we’ll sort things out.
- We’re still breathing. Our hearts beat. That means you’re part of the living world. That means you’re free to change. To make new choices. To improve the world. To be there for others like you. And to help even those who are not like you (and live too, in pain).
- There was one, near two thousand years ago, the bible and many many people still tell us about. He made one such sacrifice, though he didn’t take his own life. He let others take it, at the ignorance of His pain. His name is Jesus and he came back from the realm of death. He ascended to the Spiritual realm, and promised He’d return. So, there’s still hope in the wait. There’s reason to endure. And if you do, you’ll live to see many beautiful things can spring from well endured pain. There was another great saint, named Buddha. He taught pain is part of existence, and cannot be avoided. “There can be no lotus flower without the mud”. What can be avoided is suffering, and that’s where the capacity to improve comes in.
- Patience is a virtue. So be patient. Strive for wisdom. Know your feelings, your thoughts, your pain. Don’t hurry, we all have to face death some day.
- Stay, so you can be there for others, as you needed and still need others to be there for you. Also, piece of advise: rest well. If you can’t, seek help.
- Beyond the scope of fiction – human statements, limited, constrained, and marketing based – there is life. There is the realm of Spirit, and God. Even when you feel you’ve been forsaken by everyone around, and those that would help you are unable to, there is still hope in life. I’ve found that even the tiniest bug can be, on extreme occasions, a savior, a friend, when there was no one else. Also, try to keep in mind that if you quit on your end of the world, it falls on everyone else. And you are not the only Hannah Baker. There is an ever growing number of people being hurt in the world, and we could become friends.
- Seeing children play. Seeing them love. Adults have been longer in this place. We’re more hurt, snowed under so many responsibilities, and we have a tendency to forget. If there aren’t any kids around, fucking move your ass. Walk. Take a bus. A tour. A vacation. A detour. Remember you are free. And if you see kids that aren’t happy. Move your ass as well. Give them a chance, a place to play. Cheer them up. Play with them.
- Boundaries. Death is the ultimate boundary. Suicide the worst. And one from which there is no return. You can’t make anything that you got wrong, right, after that. At least as far as we can tell. There’s plenty of other more flexible and loving boundaries you can set.
- You are not alone in this world. At the very very least, I’m here. And if you’re feeling lonely to the point of tears, let me translate it for you: I’m near. Living on the same planet, fighting the same fights. Dealing with the same pains. Though I might experience or deal with them differently. I’m right by you. And together we’re stronger than two.
- You might be longing, like I do, for the company and support of people very dear to you, you wish you hadn’t had to say goodbye to. She or he, or they, might still be in the realm of the living, and even nearby. Others, might already have passed away. If you quit now, out of pure pain, what hope is there to heal and meet them again someday? It might be that it appears as if there is not the faintest chance that you may see them like you’d want on this very life, which I know hurts really bad. It’s the story of my life. And still, you can live your life honoring your feelings, even if those persons’ feelings towards you have long been gone. You can make your life a statement of healing, and truth, and hope. No one knows what will come next. You may still find what your heart needs, right on this very Earth, right on this very life. Even when you may feel that all is lost beyond repair. Don’t turn away from pain, except to rest. Breath it in, and breath it out. Not only is it a necessary and unavoidable part of life, it’s a great compass for your heart and soul. There where you feel emotional pain, it means you care. And it’s likely that it is where you’re most alive right now. Where your attention and insight is required to move on to whatever comes next. Pain is the flipside of love, in this sense. And I promise: it will always get better after it gets worse. Also, remember if it’s too much for you to bear on your own, that you can seek help. You are not utterly and completely alone. You – we – can learn to deal with the hardships of life better and better each day.
- Family and friends. Life is already hard for them, like it is to everyone else. We all wear masks to some extent. But friends and family will be quick to call truths out on you. Give them as many chances as you can. It’s one of those investments that may return ten fold. Even when they don’t treat you fairly, you can still be a good friend to them (and that means also facing them when they’re doing something wrong!), and so they may even learn, and become better friends one day.
- Other people around you are trying to explore and tell their story too. Listen carefully to their stories, and maybe you’ll find you can help each other out.
- If you leave, alone, uncalled, leaving everyone you love behind, what are you leaving to those you loved and loved you back? Things can go wrong, and do go wrong, a lot of the time. If you were to end your own life, to leave like that, before your time, without telling anyone, leaving them (us) to find what was once you, what hope is there for love? Stay, get near, and we’ll work whatever needs to be worked, together, out.
So please, if you’re considering, or ever consider taking your own life, don’t.
Ask for help.
And help others overcome their problems too.
We can make our lives here better.
We really can.
I took the train to Tigre the following day, and boarded one of the catamaranes in the first pic (I had been planning to, since Friday 25th – long weekend, fine weather, needed the fresh air).
Water was back to normal, as far as the naked eye could tell.